Bootstrapping

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Dear Past Jeff,

This is your future self. I have no idea how this will get to you because time travel is still mystery to me, where I’m at. We don’t even have Hoverboards yet. I know! Just another reason why Back to the Future, Part Two remains such a disappointment – but I digress. I’m in the future. Your future. I can’t give you an exact date because it’s all relative but my intention is to make sure you get this on February 21st, 2013 the evening Jeramy Dodds comes to Bishop’s. If I recall correctly you were/are a little anxious because you had/have to introduce him to a room full of people and public speaking is not a thing you’re good at. You’re still not. I’m you, I know. Anyway, relax. The reading will go great. You’re well over that other problem of being tongue-tied when you meet an author. I think the term you once used was “cheese-eating semi-colonite”? Jeramy is a swell guy and, aside from the public speaking bit, you were aces.

You’re probably wondering what this is all about. Why, on the evening of the penultimate Morris House reading for the 2012/2013 season, have I contacted you from the future? Well, I think time travel may actually exist. I know I just said that time travel is a mystery and that’s true but notice: it’s a mystery to me. I think there’s someone who’s mastered it. Someone knows the secret and on February 21, 2013, if you get this letter and you play your cards right you can get the goods on time travel. We’re a team! There’s no I in team, it’s true but there’s a U and I in space/time continuum so pay heed because here’s what I’ve figured out:

Jeramy Dodds is a time traveler.

Don’t even laugh. This is serious business and I have evidence. In front of me is copy of Jeramy’s collection of poems, Crabwise to the Hounds. At this point, you have a copy as well but mine is inscribed. I know you’re a sucker for signed copies but what matters is what Jeramy will write in your copy of his book: “Jeff, The future will be kind to us all. Promise. Jeramy Dodds” That is a not a thing one simply tosses off, especially in an age of global warming, economic collapse, and Republicans. I think, and it’s only with the benefit of hindsight that I’ve been able to come to this conclusion, that Jeramy Dodds has seen the future and he is not afraid of it.

Sure, I can imagine your skepticism. It’s what makes Past Jeff so intolerably endearing but I’ve had a lot of time to think on this and there’s more. I will dazzle you with incontrovertible, iron clad evidence that Dodds is the Poet Laureate of the time streams. You’ll find it in his poem Depth of Field which he will read, tonight, at the Morris House event. He wrote it for a friend of his which seems fairly innocuous but, at the reading, Dodds himself will reveal it’s a time-travel poem. This is where you can add “dun dun duuuuuun” because I know you still think you’re funny at that moment in time. From where I’m standing, you’re a smug wise-ass but that’s neither here nor there. What’s important are these lines in the last stanza of the poem:

Noticing that we had lost ten years watching
that horse come apart. You had married, twice.

Consider the rhetorical power of poetry and I think you’ll find it it’s difficult to ignore what’s happening here. Keep in mind that Dodds admitted/will admit this is a bit of time travel business, so let’s do a close reading of that line about losing ten years. You may want to Google what I’m about to describe (In the future, The Search Engine Wars are devastating, worse than the Cola Wars of the mid-eighties. I can’t say who wins so don’t ASK. *Ahem*): Temporal Causality Loops. If I know anything about science-fiction, they are completely real and a legitimate threat to the time traveler. Dodds says they lose ten years and that his friend “had married twice” (emphasis mine!). See where I’m going? See where I’m going? Losing time happens in one of two ways: alien abductions and Time Loops! Time Loops! Dodds is clearly familiar with The Groundhog Day Theorem. It’s obvious, really. Obvious!

You’re in a unique position to make this happen- unless you never receive this letter but that seems unlikely, knowing what I know. Sure, there might be some sort of paradox that results in this letter never getting written once you get the secret of time travel from Dodds but you’ll still have this letter. See? Look, I’m not explaining it very well but you really need to trust me on this. Dodds knows. How can I convince you? Wait! His jacket. When he arrives at the bookstore, look at his jacket and take note of old fashioned sheriff’s badge on his lapel. Dodds claimed he got it in Calgary but he never said specifically when he got that badge! Clearly he acquired it at some point in the past! Remember Back to Future, Part Three, which was much better than part two but still not as good as the first one? Where Marty and Doc wind up in the old west?

EXACTLY.

Alright, that’s all I’m comfortable putting to Future Science Paper (patent pending). You have your mission. Make it happen because this is so big, it’s practically Quantum.

Sincerely,

Future Jeff

P.S. If you’re still not convinced, I assure you, Dodds is right. The future is kind to all of us, just not at the same time.

-Jeff Parent